ICYC, your kids speak a different language. As if you did not know. I talk to parents all the time, they check the facebook, the myspace, and the text messages of their kids. “Nothing to worry about,” they tell me, “The kids just text back and forth, just letters really. No one can spell these days.”
Your kids can arrange – well- many things via texting and whatnot.
If you are curious, these sites can provide insight into some of the slang and text abbreviations your children may be familiar with. Or they may be helpful if your friends have a very bright young child and you are trying to communicate but it is too late for spelling over her head. Granted, seeing two grown adults with child saying things like “I wanted to tell my DH- GYHOOOYA” might be alarming to some people, but it is an option.
Not all of the sites have clean language (that’s why they needed to be translated in the first place):
I met one of my dearest friends on a cold rainy day in November. I was younger and – well- lets just say we have a saying between us that we are not often accused of being excessively smart at some things. She was working at a foster care agency. She wanted to know if I could see a kid she had on her caseload. (sadly, none of what I am going to disclose would identify this child, as it happened repeatedly over the next several years with other kids. Nonetheless I may or may not change gender and age.) She told me she had called everyone she knew and did not know, and no one would take him. He may have to be institutionalized, he had been in 4 foster homes in just a few months, and he was in preschool.
Preschool? How bad could it be? I thought.
Well, a few months later when the little love launched out of a chair with no provocation, sailed through my door screaming he wanted to kill himself, it was all I could do to catch him from then launching over a second floor balcony. Then when he bit me to draw blood screaming “I effing hate you, (and yes he knew the real word), you are hurting me, you’re not my mommy” and the people walking by theatened to call Child Services (I was merely trying to keep him on my side of the balcony with no further blood draw and would have loved for child services to show up)- it was then I knew something was a little bit different.
I re-enacted that day a hundred times- what set the kid off (it was time to go, we had counted down the time, it had been fun) and I realized he had made it awful, because he needed to make it go bad. When things started to get calm, this is when he started to create a stir. Crash course in attachment and bonding problems.
The long and short of it is: Beginners Luck or God Smiles on the Willing but Naive, this kid is doing okay, even today.
Since that time, my friend and I are bonded for life, because she was the one who showed up that day I was being bitten bloody… and there were many kids after that.
I enjoy working with adoptive parents and kids, as well as foster kids. I find it rewarding, as children and families are overall resilient.
A great deal has been written about Reactive Attachment Disorder, and some of the extreme treatments that certain children have gone through as a last resort kind of therapy. I believe well meaning parents and therapists will do a great many things to help a child, some of which may seem like a good idea at the time, and not such a great idea later. It is important to keep to some standard of care, and to keep informed of current treatments. I have compiled a list of resources- sites and books on adoption and foster care. I have tried to stay away from personal pages or private organizations. The information provided is more than enough to get you started with any questions you may have.
I often hear parents – in public, at schools, in conversation, and in my office – tell me that children aren’t grateful anymore. I know- probably every generation of parents have said something similar. But when a 15 year old is wearing designer sweats and carrying a purse that costs my paycheck, one listens a little differently.
Parents usually want to raise children who are thankful for what they have, who are grateful for the opportunities, materials and gifts they are given.Parents also want to give their child a better life than what they grew up with, to see their children happy, and to prevent their child from suffering.These do not seem like poor desires for a parent. However, in a society where we have so much, it often goes a bit awry.
The conversation goes like this:
Parent: I just bought you that game system for $300 – your tennis shoes cost $100. When I was younger I had to work for anything extra I wanted. I wish you were happy with what you had, but you just want to “get.”
Child: But everyone has a cell phone and an mp3 player too (errr, and most of the 6th grade class does in case you have noticed). I just want what everyone else has.
Parent: You can’t have everything you want, you don’t understand the value of money.
****And it is true. Children are running around with some very expensive toys these days. They also have a great deal of homework. I talk to 11 and 12 year olds who have 2 hours of homework a night, plus a sport like soccer or softball. With school being 6 hours, plus homework, they are already “working” an 8 hour day. With scheduled sports etc, their day can be 10-11 hours long with no down time, no family meals, and time only to bathe, eat and sleep.
When I was growing up in the 70′s and 80′s I had no homework until the 5th grade, could finish it all with plenty of time to play until the sun went down, and could bike or walk around the city as long as I was in by dark and with a friend. I could walk home from school in the 3rd grade. Now, it would not be good parenting to let a kid walk home that young, and it is not safe to let a child out of line-of-site adult supervision in many neighborhoods. So, we have over-scheduled children, and children who are supervised constantly.
The price to this is that children play indoors more, are not forced to handle their own conflicts, do not learn to play independently, and do not learn that they can do things by themselves, like buy things at the store, learn directions, and solve peer conflicts.Children in affluent families may have a lot of toys, and then may also feel unable to do things on their own, and never have experienced conflict or independence in the ways of prior generations.
Children learn to be thankful when they have been given the love and attention that they need and also have learned to “want” and work for the extras.I am not sure that giving a child all of what they want (as opposed to need) will raise a grateful child.
All too often I hear parents say they want to make their child happy – and they mean happy right, now, in the moment as opposed to content, joyful, and responsible- able to generate their own happiness.Giving a child more things will not actually make them happy. It will make them unhappy, dependent and frightened to be on their own.
Spending time with your child, listening to them, teaching them to work for extras, and also helping them learn vicariously what it is to ‘want’ through volunteering can also help. Link here to a list of Volunteeropportunities for kids and teens that my colleague and I have been collecting. Also, these two books discuss this topic more in depth.
The cost of prescription medications can be overwhelming – even for those who have insurance. If a chronic or life threatening disease is being treated, the copay for prescription medications can easily head into hundreds and thousands of dollars per month. There is help based on financial need and also by diagnosis. Some links below.
Partnership for Prescription Assistance -Clearing house of prescription medication aids. Pharmaceutical companies work with PPARx – apply for aid for several meds at one time.
Needy Meds Search by state, a list of services and programs of low cost and free prescription programs
Together Rx Access Assistance for patients who are ineligible for Medicare, have no prescription drug coverage and meet household income and age requirements.
Healthwell -Non profit organization that helps people with certain conditions with prescription copays and insurance premiums
Most drug companies have prescription/copay relief programs for those who qualify on a needs basis or are uninsured. Patients apply through the company directly. Some companies are listed below. If you have prescriptions, you can ask your pharmacist who manufactures your medication, and contact the maker for an application. If you are being treated at a hospital, you may also ask to speak with the hospital social worker or patient advocate for assistance as well.
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