Archive for May, 2008

Handling Tantrums…

For the young child

1. Ignore it. It May Go Away by Itself – the tantrum, not the child.

Pros: There is a lot less energy involved on the parents part in this technique. If it can be arranged to occur at home, and the child is having the tantrum to see how it will go over, testing the waters to see who has emotional control of the house… it can be useful. If caught early, simply moving to another area of the house may work- and when child decides to join in later (sans tantrum) simply look happy to see the child and ignore the past.

Cons: If you are in public other people may not acclimate to the sight and sound of your child’s tantrum like you do. You may be unprepared for the “bad mommy” looks strangers are shooting at you from 4 tables away at the restaurant. Also, if you are reading this, you probably have already tried this and it did not work.

2. Use physical punishment or threaten to do it.

Pros: It may work.

Cons: It may make it worse, or- depending on what kind you have picked…the child abuse people may get called, as it could be illegal. Physical punishment, spanking, slapping, beating… actually may stop a tantrum…but it probably will do so by startling or scaring, not to mention the possibility of hurting, your child – which breeds fear and anger. It may also make the tantrum worse by making your child more angry or hysterical. Roll the dice and find out… Actually the reason this may not be such a great idea is that it does not force your child to get control of their emotions on their own, or make good choices on their own It risks teaching them their parents’ frustration and anger is bigger, badder and stronger than their own out-of-control emotions, so the world is a very scary place indeed. If the tantrum stops, you may not have taught your child what you wanted.

3. Bribe Your Child to Stop

Pros: It May Work

Cons: You have just created a little hostage taker and they will negotiate for bigger and better. So be careful with this one. Now, this is not to say  parents are not human. If Sally is in the middle of tantrum stage and you are at the company picnic for your spouse and s/he is up for a Big Promotion and you are in line for XYZ and chatting it up with the boss, and his son Johnny who is also 3 years old and you see the look on Sally’s face that says, this one’s the real winner mom, wait till you hear the “nooooo” that goes with it…. well…. if you have handled all the other tantrums without bribery, quite possibly if you manage a look of genuine desperation and pleading and bend down and whisper in her ear that you will stop at sugar palace and get her whateveryouwanttimes100 if she just behaves sweetly for 5 minutes…. it may work. But, it only works like once in a lifetime and the sheer and utter desperation has to be genuine.

4. The rest of these are mostly from Jim Fay and Foster Cline’s Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)

* Let your child know  you understand what they are feeling and you will be happy to speak to her when her voice is as calm as yours. “You really seem mad right now, and we can talk about it when your voice is as calm as mine” (provided your voice is, ummm, calm)

* Use the “uh-oh” technique- “uh-oh, looks like you need some alone time in your quiet spot/thinking spot until you are feeling calmer.” Relocate your child to their room until they are calm, repeat relocation until they are calm. This of course means that you are calm all the way through. If you are in public, the think/quiet spot might be the car… or anywhere the child is not disturbing others.

* “My ears cannot hear you when you are screaming like that, I am happy to listen to a calm voice” If you are at all sarcastic or angry these techniques will not work. The goal of parenting and getting through a tantrum is to teach a child to control their emotion, accept that they do not make all the choices, and make good choices.

* Avoid the tantrum/power struggle if possible- or at least have it on your terms. If you are depleted, run down and in a bad mood, do not pick a fight with a 3 year old. you will not win. If you know that you have 5 errands to do, but that really, Suzette has “that look about her” then, perhaps you would be wise to rest after 2 and quit while you are ahead. Recognize the little signs of pre-tantrum behavior. Give your child two choices- bread or a roll, crayons or bubbles, milk or water…not every choice.

* If you have had a day, and it is one of Those Days, and your family is home and it looks like a Real Winner, shake it up and break the cycle- throw some fun music on that drowns out the tantrum and have everyone else start dancing. Or, have the family throw simultaneous tantrums about their bad days… see whose is best. Again, done without sarcasm, every once in awhile, this may just throw the little tantrummer off course.

Note Of Caution: If you have caused the tantrum by overstimulating your child- for example taking him to the famous mouse-land…. and keeping him there from 9 am to 11pm and sugaring him up, spinning him around and giving in to retail overload…when he is screaming on the way out of the park…. it is not his fault, it is yours. It happens to the best parents… but you bought the tantrum, and it is best just to wait that one out, it will be followed by a crash, and blissful sleep.

: Parenting Articles, Parents
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Eating Disorders

Sometimes I am asked for resources, information, or referrals for clients who are struggling with an eating disorder. I am often reluctant to provide information or even state that I treat clients who struggle with this issue. Over the years I realize that many many young and older women are at odds with issues surrounding food and their bodies- the reasons for which vary person to person.

Treating a person through outpatient therapy for an eating disorder can be complicated and dangerous. The successful treatment of a person who has been newly diagnosed or has just decided to see treatment often depends on a team of professionals including a therapist, psychiatrist, dietician, and primary care physician. Group, family, and individual therapies are sometimes necessary. Many books, television shows, and movies seem to “teach” young women how to hide their disorder or binge/purge in different ways, and I am reluctant to give out those references for that reason.

However, these are some websites and books that may help those interested gather information and seek treatment.

: References & Materials
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Learning Disabilities

If you have consulted with your child’s pediatrician, teacher or therapist and have determined that you want to have your child assessed through his or her school for a learning disability, you consider the the options below. Please note that the decision to have your child assessed through the school system is a personal decision, and there are some benefits, and some drawback depending on the area in which you live, the services that are being sought, the concerns you have, and the financial resources available. The issue of “labeling” also may be of benefit or detriment, and should be considered before pursuing an assessment through public schools.

If you have already decided to pursue an assessment through the public school system for learning, speech or emotional disorders and desire appropriate interventions through the school:

1. Put your specific request in writing. If you are requesting an assessment for learning disabilities, or speech assessment, occupational therapy assessment, or an assessment for severe emotional disturbance, you need to state that in your request. It may be of benefit to determine what specific wording is required in your state and school district to ensure you are getting what is required. Your written request will be legal documentation and schools must respond within a specified time to your request. If your pediatrician, therapist, or teacher has a rationale for the assessment, get that in writing also so that you have it in hand should it be requested.

2. If your child is in private school, be aware that public school assessments are available for all children. However, the purpose of the assessment is to design an intervention within the public school system. If you have no intention of sending your child to public school, you may have some difficulty getting an assessment through the public school. If you are being told by your private school that your child may have a learning disability and may need services that the school cannot provide, have your private school contact the public school or provide you a letter as to their concerns, and you will be able to get the assessment.

3. Do your research about the process of assessment and the development of an IEP (Individualized Education Plan). The following websites may be helpful in doing research:

  • Learning Disabilities of California -Non-profit volunteer organization in California that promotes the welfare and education of learning disabled children and adults. Also many links for additional research
  • National Association for Child Development Information & links on a variety of childhood issues including autism, learning disabilities, and ADHD
  • Links to list of sites on ADHD, Learning disabilities, Aspbergers, Autism, technology, childhood disorders, government & advocacy websites, and physical disabilities website

There are some additional books and some of the technological aids available to those with processing disorders below:

: Parenting Articles, Parents
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Homework

I talk to many parents struggling with their child over homework. They have to sit with them for hours – often until way past their bedtime- to complete assignments, with no time left over to unwind or play. Many times, these kids are in the second or third grade.

Occasionally, children do have learning disorders or other situations which are interfering with school performance. However, academic demands are increasing and a child’s own learning style develops at its own pace.

Children are also too young to work an 8 hour day- spending 6 hours at school with demands of structure and attention, and then to spend more than and hour and a half on homework in the younger grades is too demanding for most kids. Children who are quick to learn in a group setting may get their homework done quickly. Children who learn kinesthetically, who may not be able to start their homework until later, or who just take a little longer may struggle more to get their work done in as short a time, and find themselves fatigued.

This can start a cycle where a heavy work load leads to a tired child leads to child needs more one on one help for each problem, has more difficulty understanding simple concepts leads to frustrated parents. Parents know that the child “can do the work” but the more fatigued the child is, the more ‘lazy’ it looks, and the more of a power struggle takes place, the more both parent and child hate homework.

If this is happening at your house, you might try:

1. Talk to the teacher. Ask him/her how much work the child should have and explain the situation and get her recommendation on how to make a manageable workload. She may prioritize the subjects according to your child’s strengths. If Susie is getting the spelling words right on the first day of practice, and struggling in math, then modifications may be made. The teacher may have ideas about before or after school help that could be utilized. Or, she may be hearing similar complaints from other parents and reduce the workload all around, which has happened on several occasions.

2. If you are working with your child at homework, set limits on when “tutoring shop” is open – if Johnny is home at 3:30, and it works best to do homework from 4-5:30, then you are available to help from 4-5:30, books closed after dinner. Work out with his teacher what happens if his homework is not done. Spend time with your child talking/reading, play a quick game with her every day, regardless, but- if they choose not to do their homework- perhaps screen time/electronics/TV is not a need, and they will not be enjoying it.

3. Avoid looking at computer grade monitoring daily unless your child has a diagnosed learning disability and requires it to organize their life. Computer monitoring is great- if used appropriately. It can also make kids feel like they live under a microscope. I have seen high schoolers whose parents check grades and question them daily, and I wonder how they will do in college when parents have no access to grades and their first grades are a midterm.

4. If your child is still struggling with homework, consider talking to their teacher and/or your pediatrician about whether an assessment for learning disabilities- available through the public school system at no cost- would be appropriate.

: Parenting Articles, Parents
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Summer Camps & Volunteer

It’s time to think about summer plans. If you have an older teen or someone who is off to college there are many positions available as camp counselors open now. This is an excellent opportunity to learn some independence and responsibility, and to learn gratitude.

For campers- thinking ahead may allow scholarships for those in need.

The American Camp Association is the accreditation organization for camps in the US and offers a search by camp type, price, age, length of stay, and whether it is sleep away or day.

American Camp Association

Cool stuff:

  • AAVE All About Visiting Earth- accredited by the American Camp association, this organization has been around for over 30 years and offers programs in the US, Asia, and Europe to give teenagers an opportunity to experience the world apart from their parents in a supervised setting and learn about different parts of the world
  • Abbey Road -Summer language programs in Italy, France, Greece, and Spain
  • ASA Academic Study Associates- academic study abroad programs for high schoolers.
  • Cal State University Fullerton offers summer programs for kids ages 7-12- programs in sports, art, math, and swimming. Sports camps are all day. :) Children older than 12 can volunteer as aides when applications are in on time.
  • Junior Lifeguards (Huntington Beach) Morning and afternoon sessions. Way cool dude.
  • Lazy J Ranch Camp-this is a low tech, lots of fun, very expensive Malibu camp. (sleep away)
  • Outward Bound 5 days in Joshua Tree to 81 Days in the Rockies (academic residential programs available) For kids looking for survival challenge- not to mention parents who want an opportunity to show their children that life’s challenges can be tough but also bring growth, and that there is value in teamwork.
  • Sea World has adventure resident and day camps that are high on the fun and educational scale for kids who love ocean life/sports.
  • Spacecamp This would be ‘the real deal’ in Huntsville, Alabama. They have camps for kids age 7-18, and adult execs. 3 & 5 day camps focusing on team work, flight simulation, confidence building, and communication.
  • Supercamp-Like executive team building camp plus study skills for junior high and high school.
  • Zoo Camp @ San Diego Zoo- for kids entering K-7 grades, day camp 9-3, extended day 7:30-5:30. Who could get bored at the zoo. Week long sessions are offered throughout the summer. Day camps are also offered at the Wild Animal Park for 1,2,3 or 5 day sessions- which works for families traveling from outside the area.

Volunteering is a great way for kids and teens to learn the value of work, teach gratitude and give back to the community. Volunteering can also show kids what an alternate kind of life might have been.

Search for Volunteer Opportunities:

Volunteer

    • Locks of Love Donate your ponytail for people experiencing hair loss from chemotherapy
    • CHOC Volunteer at Children’s Hospital Orange County. Must be 16.

Global Projects/Travel

Most are not strictly “volunteer” – (they cost money). Parents should be cautious of sending their child out of the country. Travel experiences can be life-changing for youth – just want to make sure it is life changing in the right direction.

: Community Services, Parents
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