Attachment, adoption & foster care
I met one of my dearest friends on a cold rainy day in November. I was younger and – well- lets just say we have a saying between us that we are not often accused of being excessively smart at some things. She was working at a foster care agency. She wanted to know if I could see a kid she had on her caseload. (sadly, none of what I am going to disclose would identify this child, as it happened repeatedly over the next several years with other kids. Nonetheless I may or may not change gender and age.) She told me she had called everyone she knew and did not know, and no one would take him. He may have to be institutionalized, he had been in 4 foster homes in just a few months, and he was in preschool.
Preschool? How bad could it be? I thought.
Well, a few months later when the little love launched out of a chair with no provocation, sailed through my door screaming he wanted to kill himself, it was all I could do to catch him from then launching over a second floor balcony. Then when he bit me to draw blood screaming “I effing hate you, (and yes he knew the real word), you are hurting me, you’re not my mommy” and the people walking by theatened to call Child Services (I was merely trying to keep him on my side of the balcony with no further blood draw and would have loved for child services to show up)- it was then I knew something was a little bit different.
I re-enacted that day a hundred times- what set the kid off (it was time to go, we had counted down the time, it had been fun) and I realized he had made it awful, because he needed to make it go bad. When things started to get calm, this is when he started to create a stir. Crash course in attachment and bonding problems.
The long and short of it is: Beginners Luck or God Smiles on the Willing but Naive, this kid is doing okay, even today.
Since that time, my friend and I are bonded for life, because she was the one who showed up that day I was being bitten bloody… and there were many kids after that.
I enjoy working with adoptive parents and kids, as well as foster kids. I find it rewarding, as children and families are overall resilient.
A great deal has been written about Reactive Attachment Disorder, and some of the extreme treatments that certain children have gone through as a last resort kind of therapy. I believe well meaning parents and therapists will do a great many things to help a child, some of which may seem like a good idea at the time, and not such a great idea later. It is important to keep to some standard of care, and to keep informed of current treatments. I have compiled a list of resources- sites and books on adoption and foster care. I have tried to stay away from personal pages or private organizations. The information provided is more than enough to get you started with any questions you may have.