Lisa Riggs, Psy.D.

to stop yelling at your child …and get them on track at the same time?

Sometimes I overhear conversations amongst parents that go something like this, “I wish Carrie would listen more, I keep having to repeat myself, and then I have to yell. Now I have to yell to get her attention, and sometimes I have to yell 5-6 times before she will get off the couch, and do what I have asked.”

I laugh and think to myself, either it has been awhile since you have owned a puppy or I bet you have a dog that begs at your table. When I got my dog, I vowed I was never going to feed him at the table. And I was really really good about it. Since I never fed him at the table, he had no idea food was a possibility. And then I got married and my husband moved in. He fed the dog from the table. At first, it was just a little bit here and there. He made the dog sit, and shake. But, at the end of the meal, the dog was given a treat. And so, the dog began to come to sit at my husband’s feet and give his best sit, cock his head, and wait. He had been taught to beg.

It works the same way with kids. Many parents have very effectively taught their children that the parent does not mean what they say until the parent has lost emotional control and is screaming at the child, they have trained their child to beg– err– wait until mom or dad has lost control. Looking at it a different way, the child has effectively trained their parent to yell.

Parents often are too tired to realize that they are repeating a failed experiment. If yelling worked, then by all means- the technique should be repeated. However, it frequently does not work, but parents keep repeating it.

So, what else might work to increase the likelihood a child will respond to requests?

1. Consider the request. I dislike being told what to do. Especially “right now.” I am likely to say “no” if someone wants me to interrupt what I like doing to do something I do not like doing “right now” – even if I love and respect that person. I know- it is a character fault, but it is true. Children are the same, they do not want to be interrupted from playing with friends or a television show to unload the dishwasher “right now” “because I said so.” Sometimes those requests may be unavoidable, but for everyday chores or when possible, give time limits- “I need this done by dinner,” “we are leaving in 10 minutes and you need to be ready to go.” These statements give your child a chance to prepare and make choices.

2. Make requests about what you can control. Stating things like “you have to do your homework” actually do not make sense. Unless you plan to wrestle your child to the ground with their pencil to the paper, you cannot “make them” do much. A three year old has figured this out when they say “you can’t make me.” What you can say is ” television is for kids who do their homework.” You can control a lot of what goes on in your house- television, computers, money, clothes, etc. However, you cannot control your child’s behavior.

3. Actions speak louder than words. If you have made a reasonable request, and you might normally begin to yell in order to gain compliance, take action instead. For the teenager who has failed to clean up the curdling milk glasses from their room for the third day in the row, don’t yell- smile. If you simply cannot stand the glass, clean it up, make sure to take Miss Sushine’s hair straightener/favorite jeans/ make-up on your way out. Leave a note on the bathroom mirror that says “Hair straighteners are for kids who remember that food does not belong in the bedroom, may be returned after rule has been obeyed for a week, no reminders.” And mean in it. No yelling needed. If you can leave the glass, take the straightener. If your child notices it’s gone, when she asks you where it is let her knew it has been kidnapped to be returned when her room has been cleaned as well as the kitchen. If she does not notice it is gone, take something else until she does.

Many parents say their child doesn’t care when they miss something. This is untrue. This is what children say to ‘save face” and to manipulate you into thinking that the consequence doesn’t work. They have trained you to not take away important things. If they say that- your response is “great, you won’t miss it then.” Also, you have to be willing to think about what you are taking away- make-up, computer, curling iron, sleep-overs, game-systems are all fair game.

Be careful not to “one up” consequences… that is don’t continue to escalate an angry child by saying “it’s one more day/one more toy for every time you do XXX,” allowing a child to build up huge consequences in a short time. This will back you both into a corner. If you have given a consequence and the situation, don’t reason with the child- walk away and say you will discuss it when you are both calm.

4. Don’t wait until you have emotionally had it before you set limits. Many parents wait until they are frustrated before they intervene. This leaves children believing that what is right is what does not make mom mad, what they can get away with, and what is wrong is getting caught, or making mom mad. Lets say jumping on the couch is generally against the rules. But if mom is on the phone or in a good mood, kids don’t “get in trouble,” but if mom is in a bad mood or busy, then she yells. It would be better to be consistent, and then children learn an internal sense of right an wrong, and parents don’t have to get mad to be listened to.

***Disclaimer… some children have special circumstances- kids who have been abandoned, neglected, abused, traumatized may respond to consequences differently than you would expect. Thus taking things away from a child whose stuff has been stolen or taken away or lost in a fire may be traumatic and thus avoided. In any case- consequences and discipline are designed to teach a child – not to embarrass or anger them. When done in a loving positive relationship, they are necessary parts of life.