Children and Grief
Watching, allowing, and staying present while a child is grieving is a very difficult process for the grown-ups around them. Loving parents want to “fix it”- to protect their child from sadness and other strong, difficult emotions. While we certainly do not need to contribute unnecessarily to a child’s already emotionally challenging world, I believe when normal life events lead to sadness and grief, children should be allowed to express their feelings in a healthy way.
Parents may be tempted to replace a fish that died, or tell a child that an elderly neighbor moved away when they actually died- or instead minimize a child’s grief by minimizing the importance of an absent loved one or friend who moved away. An alternative way to look at these normal losses of childhood would be as an opportunity to deal with sadness and grief and handle difficult emotions in a way that prepares them to handle even more difficult situations that come with life. Sometimes I think in trying to protect our children from pain we actually may be raising adults who believe all pain is to be avoided and who have no tools to handle losses that come with relationships, age, illness, and life.
There are of course exceptions- children who have been traumatized, experiencing depression, or are in the middle of grieving (loss of a parent etc) may not be able to handle dealing with other losses as well. In other words, use good judgment about what you expose your child to.
When a child is grieving the parents can help by:
- Help your child understand in a developmental way what has happened-use language, pictures, books that your child can understand and that is not frightening.
- Allow the child to express their emotions in an appropriate way and accept the emotions without judgment. Yes, even in grief it is still not okay to hit others. Talking, drawing, and expressing themselves without hurting others is great. Also be prepared for little or no emotion at first. Children show emotions differently and their facial expressions are not those of adults. If your child seems “not to care” it may be that they are overwhelmed or cannot take in the information.
- Reassure the child and be prepared to answer questions multiple times over.
- Help the child participate in some kind of goodbye ritual-so they can “do” something. This may be going to a funeral, having a funeral for a pet, planting a tree, letting a balloon go etc.
- Invest in the future incorporating a positive memory from the lost one. If you have planted a tree, then every time you look at the tree growing you might think of that person. Other ideas might be to make a memory book, draw pictures, or to keep in contact with people that move.
Some other resources are:
Online
The Dougy Center for Grieving Children and Their Families Non-profit organization related to grieving and children. They have online resources and activities for children, teens and parents who are grieving.
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry- Information Sheet Information sheet about how children grieve.
Books
Tags: children and grief, children and loss, explain death to kids, help kids grieve
