Teaching children how to think critically is an important task for parents-especially in an era where mutli-tasking, multiple interfaces and a stream of stimuli is a given. I watched a three year old show his dad how to run a video on an iphone the other day. This link is to an article about how 8 year old children attending a charter school are taught philosophy through questions. The article also mentions the book below on using children’s literature to teach philosophy.
I hear this phrase often and everywhere. It has always struck me as either funny, sad or just ridiculous. Because it is often preceded by a child saying to their parent something like “you’re mean,” “no,” or the real show stopper, “I hate you.”
And when a parent responds with “you can’t talk to me that way” to a child’s remark, I always want to say/whisper/shout “oops, but we know that’s not true…because they, ummm, clearly just did.” They actually did talk to you that way.
I could be stuck on semantics. But, actually, the parent is not meaning “you are kidding, did that really just happen?” They actually are intending to make a statement of fact or a demand. Actually, it would be wise for parents- and anyone in a relationship to understand this one thing- we can only truly control ourselves in a relationship. We have the illusion of controlling children when they are very small because we can pick them up, dress them and wrestle them into the car or time-out. However, short of removing their vocal cords, wiping their thoughts out, or putting their little paws to the pen and gripping it to the paper, we cannot actually control what they say, think, or even if they do their homework.
When we tell a child something that is obviously not true – like “you can’t talk to me like that”- one wonders what a child actually thinks or learns. What goes through my head is “oh yes I can, and I just did, and next time I need the money card, I’ll try that again.” But- maybe you have different kids than the ones I observe.
Or consider other options. Truth tends to work out better. “You seem really angry.” “I don’t like how you are talking to me, and there will be consequences if you keep it up.” “I love you too much to let you hurt yourself, I’ll sit here with you while you calm down.” Communicating understanding for the emotion, directing an appropriate action for the child’s behavior, and also stating what your own actions will be tends to work better than just flat out telling a child a lie.
Stay tuned for my next favorite lie- “We don’t feel that way”
I often hear parents – in public, at schools, in conversation, and in my office – tell me that children aren’t grateful anymore. I know- probably every generation of parents have said something similar. But when a 15 year old is wearing designer sweats and carrying a purse that costs my paycheck, one listens a little differently.
Parents usually want to raise children who are thankful for what they have, who are grateful for the opportunities, materials and gifts they are given.Parents also want to give their child a better life than what they grew up with, to see their children happy, and to prevent their child from suffering.These do not seem like poor desires for a parent. However, in a society where we have so much, it often goes a bit awry.
The conversation goes like this:
Parent: I just bought you that game system for $300 – your tennis shoes cost $100. When I was younger I had to work for anything extra I wanted. I wish you were happy with what you had, but you just want to “get.”
Child: But everyone has a cell phone and an mp3 player too (errr, and most of the 6th grade class does in case you have noticed). I just want what everyone else has.
Parent: You can’t have everything you want, you don’t understand the value of money.
****And it is true. Children are running around with some very expensive toys these days. They also have a great deal of homework. I talk to 11 and 12 year olds who have 2 hours of homework a night, plus a sport like soccer or softball. With school being 6 hours, plus homework, they are already “working” an 8 hour day. With scheduled sports etc, their day can be 10-11 hours long with no down time, no family meals, and time only to bathe, eat and sleep.
When I was growing up in the 70′s and 80′s I had no homework until the 5th grade, could finish it all with plenty of time to play until the sun went down, and could bike or walk around the city as long as I was in by dark and with a friend. I could walk home from school in the 3rd grade. Now, it would not be good parenting to let a kid walk home that young, and it is not safe to let a child out of line-of-site adult supervision in many neighborhoods. So, we have over-scheduled children, and children who are supervised constantly.
The price to this is that children play indoors more, are not forced to handle their own conflicts, do not learn to play independently, and do not learn that they can do things by themselves, like buy things at the store, learn directions, and solve peer conflicts.Children in affluent families may have a lot of toys, and then may also feel unable to do things on their own, and never have experienced conflict or independence in the ways of prior generations.
Children learn to be thankful when they have been given the love and attention that they need and also have learned to “want” and work for the extras.I am not sure that giving a child all of what they want (as opposed to need) will raise a grateful child.
All too often I hear parents say they want to make their child happy – and they mean happy right, now, in the moment as opposed to content, joyful, and responsible- able to generate their own happiness.Giving a child more things will not actually make them happy. It will make them unhappy, dependent and frightened to be on their own.
Spending time with your child, listening to them, teaching them to work for extras, and also helping them learn vicariously what it is to ‘want’ through volunteering can also help. Link here to a list of Volunteeropportunities for kids and teens that my colleague and I have been collecting. Also, these two books discuss this topic more in depth.
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