This article in the Ney York Times gives some excellent advice for parents who suspect their child may have a learning disability. The author outlines steps from dealing with the school, documenting supporting evidence and when or whether an evaluator might be helpful.
Patient Money – How to Navigate the Learning Disabilities System – NYTimes.com.
Parents often ask me whether their young child has a speech delay. More often these days I get referrals from local preschools for children in danger of being removed from programs due to behavior problems. Many times, these young ones have an undiagnosed speech delay. Speech delays in young children are not uncommon and free help (imagine!) is available through the public school system even for the preschool aged child.
This information sheet from the American Speech Language Hearing Association gives the developmental milestones for speech from ages 1-5 as well as ways parents and caregivers can help children build language skills.
How Does Your Child Hear and Talk?.
Here are a few book resources, which link to Amazon.
I am frequently troubled as I continue to meet young high school graduates who have never held a job and have basically no independent living skills. That is to say they cannot cook, do laundry, budget money, or run errands. Many cannot even drive. We live in a world of play dates and homework. Masses of homework.
I did not see homework till junior high, never did any till high school and still managed to get in to grad school with flying colors. Children today are doing 2-3 hours of homework in the third grade. 8 year olds are too young to have full time jobs (6 hours plus homework– forget sports). It’s no wonder that kids who have to study a bit more abhor school, and those that are involved in sports don’t have time to work.
Which is great and all, except that honestly, you could easily end up with a child who has never had to be alone with themselves until they get a license. Which is a bit alarming. Sometimes I wonder that all of the outside demands from multiple channels of technology and financial demands on parents don’t put a special pressure on today’s children. With the passive entertainment of video games and texting always available, how is a teenager supposed to find their own identity?
I can never quite place my finger on the problem. But there is so much, well, worship of young children going on in this society… and then the booting of them from the nest unprepared seems so sudden. Given that shift happens.
Check it out. It’s worth 8 minutes.
For the young child
1. Ignore it. It May Go Away by Itself – the tantrum, not the child.
Pros: There is a lot less energy involved on the parents part in this technique. If it can be arranged to occur at home, and the child is having the tantrum to see how it will go over, testing the waters to see who has emotional control of the house… it can be useful. If caught early, simply moving to another area of the house may work- and when child decides to join in later (sans tantrum) simply look happy to see the child and ignore the past.
Cons: If you are in public other people may not acclimate to the sight and sound of your child’s tantrum like you do. You may be unprepared for the “bad mommy” looks strangers are shooting at you from 4 tables away at the restaurant. Also, if you are reading this, you probably have already tried this and it did not work.
2. Use physical punishment or threaten to do it.
Pros: It may work.
Cons: It may make it worse, or- depending on what kind you have picked…the child abuse people may get called, as it could be illegal. Physical punishment, spanking, slapping, beating… actually may stop a tantrum…but it probably will do so by startling or scaring, not to mention the possibility of hurting, your child – which breeds fear and anger. It may also make the tantrum worse by making your child more angry or hysterical. Roll the dice and find out… Actually the reason this may not be such a great idea is that it does not force your child to get control of their emotions on their own, or make good choices on their own It risks teaching them their parents’ frustration and anger is bigger, badder and stronger than their own out-of-control emotions, so the world is a very scary place indeed. If the tantrum stops, you may not have taught your child what you wanted.
3. Bribe Your Child to Stop
Pros: It May Work
Cons: You have just created a little hostage taker and they will negotiate for bigger and better. So be careful with this one. Now, this is not to say parents are not human. If Sally is in the middle of tantrum stage and you are at the company picnic for your spouse and s/he is up for a Big Promotion and you are in line for XYZ and chatting it up with the boss, and his son Johnny who is also 3 years old and you see the look on Sally’s face that says, this one’s the real winner mom, wait till you hear the “nooooo” that goes with it…. well…. if you have handled all the other tantrums without bribery, quite possibly if you manage a look of genuine desperation and pleading and bend down and whisper in her ear that you will stop at sugar palace and get her whateveryouwanttimes100 if she just behaves sweetly for 5 minutes…. it may work. But, it only works like once in a lifetime and the sheer and utter desperation has to be genuine.
4. The rest of these are mostly from Jim Fay and Foster Cline’s Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)
* Let your child know you understand what they are feeling and you will be happy to speak to her when her voice is as calm as yours. “You really seem mad right now, and we can talk about it when your voice is as calm as mine” (provided your voice is, ummm, calm)
* Use the “uh-oh” technique- “uh-oh, looks like you need some alone time in your quiet spot/thinking spot until you are feeling calmer.” Relocate your child to their room until they are calm, repeat relocation until they are calm. This of course means that you are calm all the way through. If you are in public, the think/quiet spot might be the car… or anywhere the child is not disturbing others.
* “My ears cannot hear you when you are screaming like that, I am happy to listen to a calm voice” If you are at all sarcastic or angry these techniques will not work. The goal of parenting and getting through a tantrum is to teach a child to control their emotion, accept that they do not make all the choices, and make good choices.
* Avoid the tantrum/power struggle if possible- or at least have it on your terms. If you are depleted, run down and in a bad mood, do not pick a fight with a 3 year old. you will not win. If you know that you have 5 errands to do, but that really, Suzette has “that look about her” then, perhaps you would be wise to rest after 2 and quit while you are ahead. Recognize the little signs of pre-tantrum behavior. Give your child two choices- bread or a roll, crayons or bubbles, milk or water…not every choice.
* If you have had a day, and it is one of Those Days, and your family is home and it looks like a Real Winner, shake it up and break the cycle- throw some fun music on that drowns out the tantrum and have everyone else start dancing. Or, have the family throw simultaneous tantrums about their bad days… see whose is best. Again, done without sarcasm, every once in awhile, this may just throw the little tantrummer off course.
Note Of Caution: If you have caused the tantrum by overstimulating your child- for example taking him to the famous mouse-land…. and keeping him there from 9 am to 11pm and sugaring him up, spinning him around and giving in to retail overload…when he is screaming on the way out of the park…. it is not his fault, it is yours. It happens to the best parents… but you bought the tantrum, and it is best just to wait that one out, it will be followed by a crash, and blissful sleep.
If you have consulted with your child’s pediatrician, teacher or therapist and have determined that you want to have your child assessed through his or her school for a learning disability, you consider the the options below. Please note that the decision to have your child assessed through the school system is a personal decision, and there are some benefits, and some drawback depending on the area in which you live, the services that are being sought, the concerns you have, and the financial resources available. The issue of “labeling” also may be of benefit or detriment, and should be considered before pursuing an assessment through public schools.
If you have already decided to pursue an assessment through the public school system for learning, speech or emotional disorders and desire appropriate interventions through the school:
1. Put your specific request in writing. If you are requesting an assessment for learning disabilities, or speech assessment, occupational therapy assessment, or an assessment for severe emotional disturbance, you need to state that in your request. It may be of benefit to determine what specific wording is required in your state and school district to ensure you are getting what is required. Your written request will be legal documentation and schools must respond within a specified time to your request. If your pediatrician, therapist, or teacher has a rationale for the assessment, get that in writing also so that you have it in hand should it be requested.
2. If your child is in private school, be aware that public school assessments are available for all children. However, the purpose of the assessment is to design an intervention within the public school system. If you have no intention of sending your child to public school, you may have some difficulty getting an assessment through the public school. If you are being told by your private school that your child may have a learning disability and may need services that the school cannot provide, have your private school contact the public school or provide you a letter as to their concerns, and you will be able to get the assessment.
3. Do your research about the process of assessment and the development of an IEP (Individualized Education Plan). The following websites may be helpful in doing research:
There are some additional books and some of the technological aids available to those with processing disorders below:
