Tag: For Parents

Homework

I talk to many parents struggling with their child over homework. They have to sit with them for hours – often until way past their bedtime- to complete assignments, with no time left over to unwind or play. Many times, these kids are in the second or third grade.

Occasionally, children do have learning disorders or other situations which are interfering with school performance. However, academic demands are increasing and a child’s own learning style develops at its own pace.

Children are also too young to work an 8 hour day- spending 6 hours at school with demands of structure and attention, and then to spend more than and hour and a half on homework in the younger grades is too demanding for most kids. Children who are quick to learn in a group setting may get their homework done quickly. Children who learn kinesthetically, who may not be able to start their homework until later, or who just take a little longer may struggle more to get their work done in as short a time, and find themselves fatigued.

This can start a cycle where a heavy work load leads to a tired child leads to child needs more one on one help for each problem, has more difficulty understanding simple concepts leads to frustrated parents. Parents know that the child “can do the work” but the more fatigued the child is, the more ‘lazy’ it looks, and the more of a power struggle takes place, the more both parent and child hate homework.

If this is happening at your house, you might try:

1. Talk to the teacher. Ask him/her how much work the child should have and explain the situation and get her recommendation on how to make a manageable workload. She may prioritize the subjects according to your child’s strengths. If Susie is getting the spelling words right on the first day of practice, and struggling in math, then modifications may be made. The teacher may have ideas about before or after school help that could be utilized. Or, she may be hearing similar complaints from other parents and reduce the workload all around, which has happened on several occasions.

2. If you are working with your child at homework, set limits on when “tutoring shop” is open – if Johnny is home at 3:30, and it works best to do homework from 4-5:30, then you are available to help from 4-5:30, books closed after dinner. Work out with his teacher what happens if his homework is not done. Spend time with your child talking/reading, play a quick game with her every day, regardless, but- if they choose not to do their homework- perhaps screen time/electronics/TV is not a need, and they will not be enjoying it.

3. Avoid looking at computer grade monitoring daily unless your child has a diagnosed learning disability and requires it to organize their life. Computer monitoring is great- if used appropriately. It can also make kids feel like they live under a microscope. I have seen high schoolers whose parents check grades and question them daily, and I wonder how they will do in college when parents have no access to grades and their first grades are a midterm.

4. If your child is still struggling with homework, consider talking to their teacher and/or your pediatrician about whether an assessment for learning disabilities- available through the public school system at no cost- would be appropriate.

: Parenting Articles, Parents
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What are some ways…

to stop yelling at your child …and get them on track at the same time?

Sometimes I overhear conversations amongst parents that go something like this, “I wish Carrie would listen more, I keep having to repeat myself, and then I have to yell. Now I have to yell to get her attention, and sometimes I have to yell 5-6 times before she will get off the couch, and do what I have asked.”

I laugh and think to myself, either it has been awhile since you have owned a puppy or I bet you have a dog that begs at your table. When I got my dog, I vowed I was never going to feed him at the table. And I was really really good about it. Since I never fed him at the table, he had no idea food was a possibility. And then I got married and my husband moved in. He fed the dog from the table. At first, it was just a little bit here and there. He made the dog sit, and shake. But, at the end of the meal, the dog was given a treat. And so, the dog began to come to sit at my husband’s feet and give his best sit, cock his head, and wait. He had been taught to beg.

It works the same way with kids. Many parents have very effectively taught their children that the parent does not mean what they say until the parent has lost emotional control and is screaming at the child, they have trained their child to beg– err– wait until mom or dad has lost control. Looking at it a different way, the child has effectively trained their parent to yell.

Parents often are too tired to realize that they are repeating a failed experiment. If yelling worked, then by all means- the technique should be repeated. However, it frequently does not work, but parents keep repeating it.

So, what else might work to increase the likelihood a child will respond to requests?

1. Consider the request. I dislike being told what to do. Especially “right now.” I am likely to say “no” if someone wants me to interrupt what I like doing to do something I do not like doing “right now” – even if I love and respect that person. I know- it is a character fault, but it is true. Children are the same, they do not want to be interrupted from playing with friends or a television show to unload the dishwasher “right now” “because I said so.” Sometimes those requests may be unavoidable, but for everyday chores or when possible, give time limits- “I need this done by dinner,” “we are leaving in 10 minutes and you need to be ready to go.” These statements give your child a chance to prepare and make choices.

2. Make requests about what you can control. Stating things like “you have to do your homework” actually do not make sense. Unless you plan to wrestle your child to the ground with their pencil to the paper, you cannot “make them” do much. A three year old has figured this out when they say “you can’t make me.” What you can say is ” television is for kids who do their homework.” You can control a lot of what goes on in your house- television, computers, money, clothes, etc. However, you cannot control your child’s behavior.

3. Actions speak louder than words. If you have made a reasonable request, and you might normally begin to yell in order to gain compliance, take action instead. For the teenager who has failed to clean up the curdling milk glasses from their room for the third day in the row, don’t yell- smile. If you simply cannot stand the glass, clean it up, make sure to take Miss Sushine’s hair straightener/favorite jeans/ make-up on your way out. Leave a note on the bathroom mirror that says “Hair straighteners are for kids who remember that food does not belong in the bedroom, may be returned after rule has been obeyed for a week, no reminders.” And mean in it. No yelling needed. If you can leave the glass, take the straightener. If your child notices it’s gone, when she asks you where it is let her knew it has been kidnapped to be returned when her room has been cleaned as well as the kitchen. If she does not notice it is gone, take something else until she does.

Many parents say their child doesn’t care when they miss something. This is untrue. This is what children say to ‘save face” and to manipulate you into thinking that the consequence doesn’t work. They have trained you to not take away important things. If they say that- your response is “great, you won’t miss it then.” Also, you have to be willing to think about what you are taking away- make-up, computer, curling iron, sleep-overs, game-systems are all fair game.

Be careful not to “one up” consequences… that is don’t continue to escalate an angry child by saying “it’s one more day/one more toy for every time you do XXX,” allowing a child to build up huge consequences in a short time. This will back you both into a corner. If you have given a consequence and the situation, don’t reason with the child- walk away and say you will discuss it when you are both calm.

4. Don’t wait until you have emotionally had it before you set limits. Many parents wait until they are frustrated before they intervene. This leaves children believing that what is right is what does not make mom mad, what they can get away with, and what is wrong is getting caught, or making mom mad. Lets say jumping on the couch is generally against the rules. But if mom is on the phone or in a good mood, kids don’t “get in trouble,” but if mom is in a bad mood or busy, then she yells. It would be better to be consistent, and then children learn an internal sense of right an wrong, and parents don’t have to get mad to be listened to.

***Disclaimer… some children have special circumstances- kids who have been abandoned, neglected, abused, traumatized may respond to consequences differently than you would expect. Thus taking things away from a child whose stuff has been stolen or taken away or lost in a fire may be traumatic and thus avoided. In any case- consequences and discipline are designed to teach a child – not to embarrass or anger them. When done in a loving positive relationship, they are necessary parts of life.

: Parenting Articles, Parents
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“We don’t feel this way”…

along with “We don’t want to do that” are also amongst my other favorite truth-compromised sayings that parents tell their children (referring to previous post “You can’t talk to me like that.”) Actually, when I hear parents say this, it makes me want to say “Oh, but yes as a matter of fact I do.” Of course I have still said them. accidentally.

The thing is, kids – and adults- are told this when their feelings are too big, sad, angry, or unpleasant to the listener. They are told this when what they want to do is something we do not want them to do or that might be dangerous, unkind, or generally unacceptable.

I have never been very successful at changing my emotions merely by telling myself they did not exist. There have been plenty of times that rationale has distracted me for a bit, but it did not actually change how I felt. I tell kids- and adults- that feelings are like the weather, you may not like the rain/sun/fog- but you cannot change the weather just because you want it to be different, you can only change how you deal with it.

Parents and caregivers might be more effective by listening, labeling the emotion and then deciding how to handle it. “I’ll be happy to talk to you about this when we are both calm,” or “You are mad at Susie because your bike got stolen at her house when you didn’t lock it up- I’m sorry you lost your bike.” When the emotional wave passes, kids often calm down and make better choices on their own, or can be re-directed more easily.

Sometimes, the choices they make do not coincide with the choices we want them to make- hence “we don’t want to do that.” I do not always do what I want/desire. I can make decisions about what I will do based on other reasons. Children can be taught that it is okay to want to go first, to want to smash something, to want to take something that is not theirs, and they can also learn to control their choices. “I know you may want to go take Susie’s bike because yours got taken, what do you think would happen if you did that?” “Yes, I see you want that candy right now, and it would taste yummy, but I am not buying sweets today, when you are ready to put it down I’ll be waiting right there/do you want your feet to leave on the floor or in the air?/if we don’t pay for that, it’s called stealing and the store manager might have something to say about it would you like to ask him?”

There are many, many options for handling the varied, strong, and willful emotions and desires of childhood (and adulthood)-other than just telling a child than discounting a child’s emotional experience. Try Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition) or How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk for more ideas.

: Parents
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Teaching Gratitude

I often hear parents – in public, at schools, in conversation, and in my office – tell me that children aren’t grateful anymore. I know- probably every generation of parents have said something similar. But when a 15 year old is wearing designer sweats and carrying a purse that costs my paycheck, one listens a little differently.

Parents usually want to raise children who are thankful for what they have, who are grateful for the opportunities, materials and gifts they are given.Parents also want to give their child a better life than what they grew up with, to see their children happy, and to prevent their child from suffering.These do not seem like poor desires for a parent. However, in a society where we have so much, it often goes a bit awry.

The conversation goes like this:

Parent: I just bought you that game system for $300 – your tennis shoes cost $100. When I was younger I had to work for anything extra I wanted. I wish you were happy with what you had, but you just want to “get.”

Child: But everyone has a cell phone and an mp3 player too (errr, and most of the 6th grade class does in case you have noticed). I just want what everyone else has.

Parent: You can’t have everything you want, you don’t understand the value of money.

****And it is true. Children are running around with some very expensive toys these days. They also have a great deal of homework. I talk to 11 and 12 year olds who have 2 hours of homework a night, plus a sport like soccer or softball. With school being 6 hours, plus homework, they are already “working” an 8 hour day. With scheduled sports etc, their day can be 10-11 hours long with no down time, no family meals, and time only to bathe, eat and sleep.

When I was growing up in the 70′s and 80′s I had no homework until the 5th grade, could finish it all with plenty of time to play until the sun went down, and could bike or walk around the city as long as I was in by dark and with a friend. I could walk home from school in the 3rd grade. Now, it would not be good parenting to let a kid walk home that young, and it is not safe to let a child out of line-of-site adult supervision in many neighborhoods. So, we have over-scheduled children, and children who are supervised constantly.

The price to this is that children play indoors more, are not forced to handle their own conflicts, do not learn to play independently, and do not learn that they can do things by themselves, like buy things at the store, learn directions, and solve peer conflicts.Children in affluent families may have a lot of toys, and then may also feel unable to do things on their own, and never have experienced conflict or independence in the ways of prior generations.

Children learn to be thankful when they have been given the love and attention that they need and also have learned to “want” and work for the extras.I am not sure that giving a child all of what they want (as opposed to need) will raise a grateful child.

All too often I hear parents say they want to make their child happy – and they mean happy right, now, in the moment as opposed to content, joyful, and responsible- able to generate their own happiness.Giving a child more things will not actually make them happy. It will make them unhappy, dependent and frightened to be on their own.

Spending time with your child, listening to them, teaching them to work for extras, and also helping them learn vicariously what it is to ‘want’ through volunteering can also help. Link here to a list of Volunteer opportunities for kids and teens that my colleague and I have been collecting. Also, these two books discuss this topic more in depth.

: Parenting Articles, Parents
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Public or Private?

I was running errands this morning – out of the area- I might add, and I got the opportunity to overhear some moms discussing the educational opportunities for their children. They were strangers to each other and to me, grocery store line kind of conversation, the kind where several women just start chatting.

The pros and cons of public verses private schools was the topic. Which schools fed into which high schools and how to determine which private schools had the highest AP scores for college admissions. It was a very intense discussion. These moms clearly wanted to give their children the best possible start in life and had researched these issues very carefully- where they were going to live, what activities their children participated in even hiring educational consultants.

And then one of them mentioned their child’s age – 5. And then they all mentioned their kids ages- the oldest one was in the 4th grade. I almost said something. I am not sure what, but something.

I certainly have seen my fair share of kids in the practice from public and private schools whose parents have gone to as much effort at choosing schools as these moms had. Some of these kids have done very very well and others not so much. With homework often lasting 2 hours even for children in the 3rd or 4th grade, kids have completed an 8 hour work day just with school and homework when they are 9 and 10 years old. Not to mention the soccer, dance, and music.

Since it is no longer safe in most neighborhoods to let younger kids play unsupervised, I often see kids at 11/12/13 who really have never spent a moment of playtime without parental supervision. On one hand, this is good, kids need to be supervised in todays world. On the other hand, when I was 12 my friend babysat her 3 younger brothers and we figured out what peaceful, non-litigious conflict resolution was sans parental involvement (because if a grown-up had to solve it, it was not going our way). Now- we have public schools where children are not allowed to compete or keep score during kickball (there are no winners and losers) but then play highly competitive, expensive “club sports” after school. go figure.

It might have been easier to listen to this conversation, I suppose, if someone had mentioned what their child liked or did not like, or their child’s own natural pace of doing things. In wanting to give children the best life has to offer, I wonder if we have overlooked some of what childhood offers.

: Parenting Articles, Parents
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