I am frequently troubled as I continue to meet young high school graduates who have never held a job and have basically no independent living skills. That is to say they cannot cook, do laundry, budget money, or run errands. Many cannot even drive. We live in a world of play dates and homework. Masses of homework.
I did not see homework till junior high, never did any till high school and still managed to get in to grad school with flying colors. Children today are doing 2-3 hours of homework in the third grade. 8 year olds are too young to have full time jobs (6 hours plus homework– forget sports). It’s no wonder that kids who have to study a bit more abhor school, and those that are involved in sports don’t have time to work.
Which is great and all, except that honestly, you could easily end up with a child who has never had to be alone with themselves until they get a license. Which is a bit alarming. Sometimes I wonder that all of the outside demands from multiple channels of technology and financial demands on parents don’t put a special pressure on today’s children. With the passive entertainment of video games and texting always available, how is a teenager supposed to find their own identity?
I can never quite place my finger on the problem. But there is so much, well, worship of young children going on in this society… and then the booting of them from the nest unprepared seems so sudden. Given that shift happens.
I often hear parents – in public, at schools, in conversation, and in my office – tell me that children aren’t grateful anymore. I know- probably every generation of parents have said something similar. But when a 15 year old is wearing designer sweats and carrying a purse that costs my paycheck, one listens a little differently.
Parents usually want to raise children who are thankful for what they have, who are grateful for the opportunities, materials and gifts they are given.Parents also want to give their child a better life than what they grew up with, to see their children happy, and to prevent their child from suffering.These do not seem like poor desires for a parent. However, in a society where we have so much, it often goes a bit awry.
The conversation goes like this:
Parent: I just bought you that game system for $300 – your tennis shoes cost $100. When I was younger I had to work for anything extra I wanted. I wish you were happy with what you had, but you just want to “get.”
Child: But everyone has a cell phone and an mp3 player too (errr, and most of the 6th grade class does in case you have noticed). I just want what everyone else has.
Parent: You can’t have everything you want, you don’t understand the value of money.
****And it is true. Children are running around with some very expensive toys these days. They also have a great deal of homework. I talk to 11 and 12 year olds who have 2 hours of homework a night, plus a sport like soccer or softball. With school being 6 hours, plus homework, they are already “working” an 8 hour day. With scheduled sports etc, their day can be 10-11 hours long with no down time, no family meals, and time only to bathe, eat and sleep.
When I was growing up in the 70′s and 80′s I had no homework until the 5th grade, could finish it all with plenty of time to play until the sun went down, and could bike or walk around the city as long as I was in by dark and with a friend. I could walk home from school in the 3rd grade. Now, it would not be good parenting to let a kid walk home that young, and it is not safe to let a child out of line-of-site adult supervision in many neighborhoods. So, we have over-scheduled children, and children who are supervised constantly.
The price to this is that children play indoors more, are not forced to handle their own conflicts, do not learn to play independently, and do not learn that they can do things by themselves, like buy things at the store, learn directions, and solve peer conflicts.Children in affluent families may have a lot of toys, and then may also feel unable to do things on their own, and never have experienced conflict or independence in the ways of prior generations.
Children learn to be thankful when they have been given the love and attention that they need and also have learned to “want” and work for the extras.I am not sure that giving a child all of what they want (as opposed to need) will raise a grateful child.
All too often I hear parents say they want to make their child happy – and they mean happy right, now, in the moment as opposed to content, joyful, and responsible- able to generate their own happiness.Giving a child more things will not actually make them happy. It will make them unhappy, dependent and frightened to be on their own.
Spending time with your child, listening to them, teaching them to work for extras, and also helping them learn vicariously what it is to ‘want’ through volunteering can also help. Link here to a list of Volunteeropportunities for kids and teens that my colleague and I have been collecting. Also, these two books discuss this topic more in depth.
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