along with “We don’t want to do that” are also amongst my other favorite truth-compromised sayings that parents tell their children (referring to previous post “You can’t talk to me like that.”) Actually, when I hear parents say this, it makes me want to say “Oh, but yes as a matter of fact I do.” Of course I have still said them. accidentally.
The thing is, kids – and adults- are told this when their feelings are too big, sad, angry, or unpleasant to the listener. They are told this when what they want to do is something we do not want them to do or that might be dangerous, unkind, or generally unacceptable.
I have never been very successful at changing my emotions merely by telling myself they did not exist. There have been plenty of times that rationale has distracted me for a bit, but it did not actually change how I felt. I tell kids- and adults- that feelings are like the weather, you may not like the rain/sun/fog- but you cannot change the weather just because you want it to be different, you can only change how you deal with it.
Parents and caregivers might be more effective by listening, labeling the emotion and then deciding how to handle it. “I’ll be happy to talk to you about this when we are both calm,” or “You are mad at Susie because your bike got stolen at her house when you didn’t lock it up- I’m sorry you lost your bike.” When the emotional wave passes, kids often calm down and make better choices on their own, or can be re-directed more easily.
Sometimes, the choices they make do not coincide with the choices we want them to make- hence “we don’t want to do that.” I do not always do what I want/desire. I can make decisions about what I will do based on other reasons. Children can be taught that it is okay to want to go first, to want to smash something, to want to take something that is not theirs, and they can also learn to control their choices. “I know you may want to go take Susie’s bike because yours got taken, what do you think would happen if you did that?” “Yes, I see you want that candy right now, and it would taste yummy, but I am not buying sweets today, when you are ready to put it down I’ll be waiting right there/do you want your feet to leave on the floor or in the air?/if we don’t pay for that, it’s called stealing and the store manager might have something to say about it would you like to ask him?”
There are many, many options for handling the varied, strong, and willful emotions and desires of childhood (and adulthood)-other than just telling a child than discounting a child’s emotional experience. Try Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)
